Barber Story

By Colin Jost

“I usually go to Franklin’s for a haircut, and so I went there yesterday because it was at least six weeks since I got one. And you know how they have all those pictures of celebrities on the wall—right? Like Kevin Kostner and Barbard Streisand. Well I was sitting and waiting for a haircut—and I was actually looking at some of those pictures, which is really weird because at that exact moment Britney Spears walked in. And everyone looked up and started talking about it, but no one actually believed it was Britney Spears because why would she be in New York and why would she just show up at Franklin’s? So the manager rushes over to get her a seat with his ‘best barber’ who seems like the best available barber, and some other guy calls me over to have a seat for my haircut, which turns out to be awesome because I’m sitting like four seats down from Britney Spears. So I’m getting my usual haircut and Britney Spears asks for ‘just a trim.’ And there are 15 people gathered around and some of them just walk up to her and ask for an autograph or say ‘My daughter wants to be just like you. She loves everything about you.’ Then the manager tries to shoo everyone away, but at the same time, he’s setting up a photo shoot and asking one of the other barbers to take photographs—so they can put another awesome celebrity on the wall. And meanwhile—right?—I’m just getting my usual haircut and the barber keeps telling me about the last time this happened—when Rosie O’Donnell came in (before she had short hair). Then the manager says very loudly: “Alright, Britney, let’s get a photo or two, if you don’t mind” and she says “Oh, not a problem at all.” Then I start thinking that this was all a setup type of thing where a celebrity just agrees to come in for a little while and entertain the customers to make the place look hip. So the manager lines everything up and talks to Britney (so no one can hear). And then the other barber—who’s taking the picture—takes it and there’s this big flash and I hear Britney squeal or something because it’s so bright. THEN, I hear this huge scream and everyone turns to the chair behind me. We see all this blood all over the place and then we realize that this girl has scissors right through her brain and there’s just blood flying out of her head. And she’s shaking all over the place and the barber is freaking out because he just put scissors into her head, so he’s got a smock and he’s trying to stop the bleeding. Then people start yelling about taking the scissors out or not taking them out because that’ll just make it worse. The manager is still next to Britney because he can’t fucking believe what’s happening, and Britney must have said something like, “What the hell is this?” And the barber with the girl who’s bleeding yells that it’s not his fault because she started shaking all over the place, and I’m wondering if he’s some crazy guy who just did this—but the girl’s still shaking, so maybe he’s right. By this time, there’s blood all over the floor—even by me—and the manager is escorting Britney Spears out of the room because she’s crying and everyone else is just staring at this girl who’s bleeding all over. Then the manager yells that everyone should leave right away, so the other barbers—like mine—start taking off the customers’ smocks and telling them not to worry about paying. So I leave—but really slow so I can still sort of see what’s happening. And all these barbers—once their customers leave—run over to help the girl, and it looks like a bunch of doctors at a big operation because they’re all wearing white coats and this girl is yelling and bleeding all over. Outside, there are like 50 people standing there and one of the women is crying because she knows something sad is happening. I didn’t know what I could do because they wouldn’t let me back in and someone already called for an ambulance, so I just got on the subway home. But it was just crazy.”

“That’s really fucking crazy.”